Party Lines’ Guide To Third Parties

In advance of our big Election Night Special this Tuesday night (tickets selling fast), we here at Party Lines would like to share with our audience a helpful guide to our nation’s “third” parties. So if you’re sick of choosing between two bad options, here are four additional bad options to consider. (Plus the fucking Green Party.)

And yes, we’re also confused about how multiple parties can be third.

Libertarian Party

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Design by Butterball

Socially liberal. Fiscally conservative. Sexually male. Founded in 1971, the Libertarian Party believes in personal responsibility, free markets, human generosity, and other fairy tales.

Libertarians are basically the right’s version of hippies. They believe strongly in civil liberties and also believe strongly that the government shouldn’t act to protect civil liberties. Who does protect civil liberties in a Libertarian society? You do.

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The same model used by Thomas Jefferson.

That’s right – we’re protected as long as everyone has a gun and no one is forced to go to school. We want everyone armed and uneducated.

In all seriousness, Libertarianism is supposedly designed to give everyone an opportunity. In their eyes, it’s a system that could work for everyone, yet somehow only white men have figured that out so far.

United States Marijuana Party

Like an actual marijuana party, the Marijuana Party sounds great in theory, but ultimately accomplishes very little. Many of their best policies don’t stand up to scrutiny the next morning, though adding the word “man” at the end of every sentence of the Constitution is intriguing, man.

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It just says ‘Goat Vote.’ I don’t understand. Are goats voting? Are we voting for goats?

The Marijuana Party, as its name suggests, exists to promote the legalization of marijuana. (We caution you: don’t be so quick to write off single-issue parties. Keep in mind that before the GOP got it’s “O”, it was a purely anti-slavery party. The Green Party likewise is a single issue party – in that their magazine lasted a single issue before they ran out of money to print it.)

Not only does the Marijuana Party believe in doing nothing, they will definitely do nothing.  The only policy position on their site calls for an end to prohibition and drug testing, but we bet they understand hunger as well.

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Too many children in this country go to bed with the munchies.#420blazeit

As far as campaign finance, these people are only under the influence of one thing – and it ain’t money, honey!

Constitution Party

Much like the Tea Party, the Constitution Party stands for personal freedom and small government.  They believe the Civil Rights Act violated the right of small businesses to violate the rights of their customers. Very uncool.

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The Civil Rights Act may have been government overreach, but gay marriage is a government reach-around, and that’s just too far for this son of a gun.

The Constitution Party is vehemently against tyranny, but the federal government stepping in to stop tyranny at the state level is double tyranny, which they are double against. We here at Party Lines condemn tyrants but look forward to seeing the election of the first openly bisexual tyrant – a bi-rant.

The party’s website claims it seeks to interpret the “Founding Documents…according to the Actual Intent of the Founding Fathers.” They capitalized “Actual Intent”, so you know they are referring to the actual Actual Intent.

Wow! It’s so simple. Just interpret them by what the founding fathers actually definitely meant. We’ve tried so many things and yet somehow, no one in America has thought of just being correct over the past 240 years!  

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This was the Constitution Party’s 2012 presidential candidate because of course he was, and his name is Virgil Goode because of course it is.

Transhumanist Party

Transhumanism is the idea that human life will be improved and extended indefinitely through the advancement of technology. The party’s founder and 2016 presidential candidate is a human male named Zoltan Istvan. He has actually appeared on our show – transhumanly on an iPad via Skype.

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He didn’t know we were doing this.

We are proud to say that we gave Zoltan the “Party Lines Bump” (PLB). Before our show, he was polling at .01%, but after, he shot up to 00101011011101. If his digital body was elected, Zoltan would be the first openly binary candidate.

As of this publication, the Transhumanist Party is still polling well below levels that would make the mainstream media take notice, but they are polling ahead of the very boring Cishumanist Party.

Green Party

Here’s all you need you to know about the Green Party: the Pennsylvania Green Party’s site lists six candidates running for office in the state, and only one of them has a website. And this is the website. 

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PM me for policy positions!

As lefty millennials, it’s hard to argue with some of the Green Party’s good intentions, but we can’t help but think they’d be slightly less of a disappointment if they at least pretended to be a real party. Pro tip: Make your candidates put on a suit instead of a baseball cap and a fleece jacket. Stop appeasing conspiracy theorists (unless they are onto something, you never know) and get a site that doesn’t end in “.biz.”

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No joke – greenparty.com redirects to Target.

Now you can head to the polls knowing you’re not stuck with the Big Two parties. Of course, most third parties won’t be on the ballot in every state. But hey, you can vote Libertarian or Green, although, either way it’s just a vote for the corrupt four-party system.

Come to the Party Lines Election Night Special this Tuesday, 11/8 – Election Day! Wear your “I Voted” sticker and get a free beer. We’ll be bringing you live election results, plus a comedian panel, musical guest American Trappist and more!