A Brief Guide To Achieving Purity

 

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Well, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve worked tirelessly to craft an easy, workable solution to your purification needs. If you follow all the steps to our routine you will, without a doubt, feel more pure. Before we begin though, we’re going to need you to come to terms with one simple fact. We all have a…

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It might come as a surprise to some of you, but a soul does reside in each and every one of you. Problem is – souls get dirty. It’s hard to avoid when you live in a world full of exposed ankles, R-Rated movies, and Reality TV. This is why a solid purification routine is so necessary. Without it, all your chakras are going to get gummed up with negative vibes, and it’s going to throw your whole being out of alignment. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you were feeling a little unaligned right now.

With that in mind, let’s begin with the first step of our purification routine…

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That’s right – every good purification routine has some form of water-based ritual, otherwise known as ablution. These rituals come in all shapes and sizes, but for the most part, they all require you to dunk some part of your body into a much larger vessel of water. Your average Joe can’t afford to carry around large vessels of water as they go about their day-to-day life, so we’ve come up with a reasonable alternative.

Get a small spray bottle and just give yourself a good misting. See, we believe that it’s not so much the water that purifies as it is the light being refracted by the water. Once the light is refracted it can get down into your soul and give it a good scrubbing – getting rid of a lot of that surface negativity, while also opening everything up for further purification.

On to the next step…

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Now that everything is opened up, it’s time to pull out the deep dark stuff sitting in the depths of your soul.  What you want to do is hold both hands – palm up – together in front of you. Close your eyes. Imagine there is a small, translucent crystal hovering slightly above your hands. Now manifest those negative vibes. All your relationship problems, financial woes, that clerk at the store making passive aggressive remarks about how that dress fits. Hold onto that, and start yelling at the crystal. Like you’re mad at it. Like it stole your lunch money, or cut you off in traffic. Do that for at least 3 to 5 minutes.

When you open your eyes, you may find that you have manifested a physical crystal. If that is the case, please hold onto it for later.

This next step is one of my favorites. It’s time for…

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Can’t beat a good juice cleanse. It’s good for aligning both mind and spirit. Personally I find life to be completely intolerable when I’m unaligned. Just the other day I was trying to put my shoes on and I realized – these aren’t my shoes. Then I looked around, and I realized – this isn’t my house. I’m sure this happens to all of you, and getting your juice on is the perfect way to avoid it. Also, it’s delicious.

Having finished your glass, let’s move onto…

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Every good car wash leaves your car smelling fresh, and clean. We want the same for your soul. If you can, get a group of your friends together, and light up some of those incense sticks you surely have lying around.

While you guys are at it, why don’t you try standing in the shape of a star. Maybe have a friend trace the shape while you are standing there. Should end up looking kind of like this…

screen-shot-2016-11-26-at-6-04-02-pmOnce everyone is in place, start chanting, “DHARMA. DHARMA. DHARMA.” Just keep doing that.

Now if you start to hear a distant rumbling, and observe the lights flickering, don’t worry – that’s normal. You want to keep all this up until a bright flash occurs, and a guy with an unfathomable visage appears.

Congratulations, you have successfully summoned a creature of the Abyss. Offer your manifested crystals to the creature. If you have any interest in bargaining for arcane knowledge of an unknowable plane, feel free, or just hang out. Some of them are pretty chill. Afterward, you should feel cleansed of all impurity. These guys feed on negative energy. It’s like candy to them.

Hope you guys enjoy your newfound purity. Good Dharma, everyone.