Make “Uh-Oh Spaghettio” Fucking Tougher

We live in a world of whoopsies. What we say when they happen is what defines us.
Boo-boos and yowzers are happening every day. Just this morning I spilled my little cup of milk. I let out a good ol’ “uh-oh spaghettio” and I have to tell you – it made me feel like a pussy baby. I believe it’s time we come up with a phrase that has a little more curly hair on it’s balls. The next time I spill my nice little cup of morning milk, I’d like to have something to exclaim that doesn’t make me sound like a little pussy baby.

Maybe “yowzers in trousers!”
I’m just spitballing here. Say you’re walking down the street and your shoelace comes untied. There’s a tough guy standing there wearing a shirt that says “I AIN’T GOT TIME FOR PUSSY BABIES.” You kneel down to tie your shoe and give it a good “yowzers in trousers!” Maybe you let out a little burp too. The guy in the cool shirt gives you a thumbs up while simultaneously flexing his arm muscle. Today’s going to be good day.

“That’s swell, Drake Bell!” ???
I like this one because it has a nice pop culture reference (Drake Bell is Drake from Drake and Josh) AND it’s got a little sarcastic attitude to it. Here’s a common scenario: You’re making a purchase at Build-A-Bear and you realize that you left your Build-A-Bear Rewards Card at home. You’re also fresh out of Build-A-Bear Bucks. Looks like you gotta use regular ol’ president money. You open up your little money pouch, sigh, and say “That’s swell, Drake Bell!” The old lady behind you in line smiles and squeaks out a cute little fart.

Okay, hear me out…“Santa Claus, apple sauce, whoopsy-diddle, dental floss!”
You’re having sex. This is a new partner and this is your first time doing it with each other. You’re so excited to be having sex with them that you can’t hold your cum in. You ejaculate on their back prematurely. You keep your cool. In a bellowing voice, you shout into their ear “Santa Claus, apple sauce, whoopsy-diddle, dental floss!” Expect a second date, Mr. Rockstar.

I don’t have all the answers here but I do know that “uh-oh spaghettio” has to go.
I know this is very ambitious, but I hope you will sign this petition. It will make us tougher and cooler as a nation. We’ll all have sex more and get our heads dunked in the toilet less. Come on gang! “Cool dudes with attitudes” on three. One, two, three…”Cool dudes with attitudes!”

SIGN MY PETITION HERE.

Michael S. Watkins is the co-host of Comedian Psychoanalysis, which you can see the second Friday of each month at 8:30 PM at Good Good Comedy Theatre. Cheap tickets here: www.goodgoodcomedy.com/psychoanalysis